Monday, 17 May 2004
Early morning. It was still dark outside. I was awoken by the feeling of pain in my whole body. I was shaking. I was sweaty. I was cold. My nerves were “shaking”. I was falling into crisis. My God, was it strong… I felt horrible. Now what? A question. What do I do with myself?
And that’s when it happened – CLICK. I was disgusted by the thought that I am letting heroin dust be the master of me. I asked myself: – Should the only purpose in life be doing drugs? Should I run after money to get a new dose of heroin? Should that be my only preoccupation in life? Not to think about anything? I am selfish. Me and nobody else. My needs, needs that drive me into an abyss, that make me lazy, irresponsible, aggressive, that make me suffer. I am scared to death. If before, I would first wake up and go to the toilet, now I must first have a fix, to be able to function. So what kind of life is this? Ughh, a bizarre life. A life in agony. Filled with pain, suffering, fear…
I am afraid.
I am destroying myself.
I am disgusted of myself – who I am and what I am.
It’s time to decide.
I am making a decision.
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Today I finished with methadone. This was my last therapy. It was enough. I am probably one of the rare ones who had been using methadone as a medicine. I am out of my agony. I believe in myself and I am staring a new life. I am leaving my old life forever behind. I am throwing it away as a dirty, thorn and unnecessary clothes. I am coming out of it. I left the drugs, but apparently that wasn’t the hardest thing. It’s hard for me to live without it. I can’t fill my time. I don’t know what to do. All that I used to do doesn’t make sense anymore. Every time I go out, and with all my friends, all we talk about is drugs. How should I not think about it, when everything reminds me of it? It’s hard, I am not doing anything. I feel useless, and I only know what I wish for my future. But how do I achieve it?
Should I open a new window, and with that, a whole new world, which I haven’t felt in so long. How do you do that?
Friday, 7 September 2007
Today I started making a structure for each day.
I wake up early and make myself coffee. I feel like something is missing and with all my strength I try and drag my thoughts to another side. I take my child to school and on my way back, I go to the store. I notice myself rejoicing at every little trinket I buy.
To fill in all that free time, I take up cooking.
When I am bored I take a look at the list on the wall, with all the things I could do.
I read books. I go out with friends and we talk about everything, and I become curious and start exploring things.
I explore life. I feel the change. I am more cheerful, responsible and positive. What I have achieved is not enough. I am looking for a job. The support spontaneously comes from all sides, but the one from my closest ones means the most. New friendships and the possibility to work were priceless. When other saw that I started to love myself, they started to love me too.
Monday, 25 August 2014
Ten years! It’s been more than ten years since I made the BIG decision. My life is so much more different now.
When I wake up in the morning, I am happy, satisfied and pleased with myself. I have my family, I have my job, I have my friends. I have started the search for myself, in my new life, after new possibilities and success. I have regained my self-confidence. I have undertaken the responsibility for MY LIFE in my own hands, but also the life of my child who was totally dependent on me. The thought of this decision makes me proud, happy and fulfilled.
My life today is very different. I am happy. I am proud of my strife, my success and the possibility to be at peace with my soul. I am capable of being a mother, and to raise my child. I see life with different eyes now. I rejoice the small things. I rejoice every success achieved, every new idea being born in me, I rejoice the day and I feel alive. I’m thinking how happy I am that I can live my life with all its beauty, and be “clean”.
Oh, to have the power to make those still struggling with drugs have this feeling for just a brief moment.
Today the world is mine. I am filled with happiness, and the unrealistic expectations that used to make me happy before are now replaced with actual expectations – believe it or not – are more numerous, more powerful and more diverse. Of course it’s not perfect, but it cannot be. Every person, including me, feels sorrow, gets nervous and has fleeting problems. The difference is that now I can face them ready and overcome them with my awareness. I do not fool myself with grand thoughts about idealism and I live reality with all its good and bad sides. In any case, this is my better for my family, for all those around me, but most importantly, it is better for me.
